In my twenties, I dated a man who when I came over would hide all the dirty dishes in his stove. When I arrived, his house was always neat and tidy. I had no idea about the dishes until much later. When I discovered the dishes, the challenge wasn’t the dirty dishes; the challenge was I lost my sense of knowing who he was, and in many ways, trust was lost. He was not the person he had shared with me.

I can recognize the motivation behind the hidden dishes was an attempt to be considerate.  He didn’t need to hide the dishes. What might have happened if when I came over the first time and he simply shared that keeping the kitchen clean isn’t a priority for him, that he works super long hours and when he’s off he would rather spend his time on other priorities than keeping up with the dishes each day.  

Maybe we would have had dinner and tidied up the kitchen together and we’d get time together and a clean kitchen which he appeared to value based on the fact he was hiding all those dishes from me. Or maybe we would have eaten takeout and headed out for a movie leaving the dishes right where they were. Being genuine invites real connections and builds trust in all our relationships. And yes, not everyone is going to be comfortable with all the dishes in the sink and that is OK too.

One day I was hanging out with some friends and one of their phones rang. Pete quickly picked up the phone and began to talk in a different tone of voice. We soon discovered that he had a practice of consciously changing the tone of his voice when he was at work. He had his everyday voice and then his work voice.  

We all have often heard people talking about not being able to be themselves at work and choosing to develop a work persona. Now yes, your work colleagues might not want to hear all the details of your weekend adventures. This doesn’t mean you have to be less of yourself.  You can be genuine in any community. How can we build truly trusting communities if we aren’t being genuine?

The moment, the situation, and the community you are engaging in will determine how you might engage.  The fact that we navigate these experiences differently doesn’t mean we have to be less genuine. Being genuine is finding your place in those spaces. Being genuine and authentic isn’t about sharing every nuance of your past, your hopes, or your concerns on the first date, interview, exchange, or meeting. It is not sharing every thought and judgment that crosses your mind.  Sometimes oversharing gets confused with being genuine or authentic.

Being genuine is a willingness to be yourself in the moment, to be present in the current situation, the current conversation, listening and sharing. It’s about being aware and respectful of the current situation, recognizing what is appropriate, what is needed, what is unclear, where the conversation is going, and being willing to honestly connect and share.

You don’t need to hide or fake it. You might be cautious as you enter a new community, a new relationship, a new conversation trying to find your place, identifying how you might belong. You might want to move slowly to gain awareness and gain some understanding of the situation, the team, and the new boss. You can be respectful and curious as you begin. You can respect a new culture and still be yourself. Being respectful is part of being you; it isn’t about changing who you are to belong.

Being genuine in any situation gives us the capacity to identify if you can find what you need, if can you be of service, if are we headed in the same direction, if we can find a connection here, if you need to change and if can we move together. Not every community, conversation, relationship, or path is ours to step into. We can find our way in our capacity to be genuine together. Yes this can feel awkward at times and well worth it.