Several years ago, a good friend came through town and we sat up late into the night talking and laughing about our life experiences. The topic arose on the challenge of always feeling like we are working towards some static state of life that never arrives. This future state where everything is as it should be and where we could finally relax was fleeting.

As a mom, I have longed for a tidy house and to find some future where all the work to clean the dishes and pans had some outcome that is not a temporal moment of satisfaction. There was a disconnect between what I was longing for and the reality of my life. I would clean up the kitchen, it would be clean for an hour and then another meal or a baking adventure would quickly fill the space with dishes, spills, and more work to tidy up.

Truthfully, I love a home-cooked meal, and that my daughters bless us with sweet baking treats and even an occasional dinner. I prefer to see the kitchen in use than cleaned up and what a blessing that my girls are at an age where I don’t have to make every meal and snack they want.

At the same time waking up to a tidy kitchen feels so good.  Starting the morning with the spaciousness of a tidy kitchen gives me a sense of ease and rest. Not to mention there is something to be said for the joy of having a clean work area to begin a project from and knowing where things are when you need them.

The experience and apparent separation of navigating the reality and joys of these different states felt like clues to what was at the root of this feeling we were describing, this feeling of working towards some static state that never arrives where we could finally relax.  

I found it so interesting that my friend, who was not a parent, was also experiencing this underlying feeling although in different areas of his life mostly his business and navigating simply settling down in his life. This unsettled feeling was prevalent across so many aspects of our lives, work, home, relationships, parenting, friendships, and health and we were not alone in how we felt.  

We began to reflect on how so many tv shows and movies we grew up on didn’t show the messy living room, the consistent attention needed to sustain and support your business, and the years of being in a relationship after the happy ever after wedding. There was always an endpoint where things were resolved and settled, a final state.

Not to mention all the product marketing, and business consulting suggesting to us that with their help we will get “there”. And then the focus on ‘once I retire’. All these messages promise us that there is a point somewhere in the future where we would arrive and we can then relax.

Here is the funny thing there is no such destination. There is simply living. Yes, in life you can reach a goal, have the kitchen clean, reach a peak in your fitness, find the love of your life, and then life continues, and thank goodness it’s not a final state.

There is always a task to complete, a meal to prepare, a mess to clean, a house to sell, the garden to water, a job offer to consider, phone calls to make, bills to pay, miscommunications to navigate, tournaments to play, unexpected expenses to adjust to, challenges to face, songs to sing, employees to say goodbye to, technology to learn, successes to celebrate, belly laughs at the dinner table, babys to welcome, friends to grieve and time for sleep. We plan, prioritize, wonder, assess, worry, grieve, and celebrate.  

Here we can relax, simply living, taking care of life, never static and always shifting. Relax is a state not the result of a destination. Now we can relax in our everyday lives and enjoy it. Notice your rhythm, purpose, your values, your needs, and desires. Engage in work and service, play often and do the things you love. Care for your home, your body, your relationships, your job, and your community. Recognize the chapters, cycles, peaks, dips, and plateaus.

Remove the lens of a final destination, set your direction and goals ahead, settle into the cycles of life, recognize and celebrate milestones, take the time to rest, do the maintenance work, and enjoy the seasons as they arrive. Keep training after the race and clean the kitchen mess, enjoy the tidiness, and welcome the next baking adventure. It’s all worth it.  We can relax here.   

Today in our house another cycle begins, a new day, a new school year, and loads of freshly washed clothes at least for the moment.