Choosing what is ours and gifting others what is theirs
In a world filled with the pressures of consumerism, how do we know what is ours to bring into our lives and what to gift others? I am no master of this task and I have had a few experiences that seem to point me to the fact that finding and choosing is a far more intricate task than reviewing my options and going through a pro/con list.
A few years ago, I was in NM cleaning out my mother’s house and sorting through piles of clothes and belongings she had collected over the years. My mother loved picking up beautiful jewelry, clothes, unique wooden furniture, and art. As I was sorting through her items identifying what to bring to her, what to keep in the family, and what to pass on it became very clear to me that you can recognize and appreciate the value of something whether it is beautiful, useful, interesting, trendy, a bargain or even free and, at the same time, not bring it home. Only certain items are meant for us. The discerning factor seems to be beyond its apparent value.
External influences add complexity to the process of making a choice. I grew up in a household full of fashion magazines, Vogue, Elle, and Harper’s Bazaar filled our coffee table. The exposure to these magazines and the fashion world had a very strong influence on me and the clothes I purchased in my teens and early adulthood. This was such a strong influence that it even went beyond my clothes to other choices; I worked at several trendy fashion retail stores and wanted to be a fashion designer. Luckily for me, I didn’t have the experience or support to apply to fashion school. I headed off to business school longing for a degree in communications and somehow finding myself in marketing.
When I left college, I got hired by a Fortune 500 company with a very strict dress code. I went from wearing Doc Martens, mini-skirts, and the latest fashionable trends on the streets of Boston to roaming the corporate hallways in suit skirts below my knees, pantyhose, only black, grey, or navy solid-colored suits, and plain shirts with the occasional pinstripe. No trendy fashions in that office. Although I did discover small choices and gestures to find a bit of freedom and joy in this strict dress code in ways that were only known to me, a pin placed inside my lapel or a carefully selected undergarment.
In both these scenarios, my clothes purchases were primarily at the mercy of someone else’s whims and choices. After leaving this corporate dress code, I struggled now suddenly having the full freedom of choice to select my wardrobe. I noticed and was a bit self-conscious about how much my choices had been influenced by media and external factors. I decided to ditch any fashion-related magazine and take on a bit of an experiment by wearing the most basic of clothes, plain shirts, jeans, jackets, etc. Now less conforming to external influences, I also felt no comfort, ease, or joy in my clothes. One day I was walking through a store and a shirt caught my eye and attention. I simply loved it. I bought the shirt and began to add clothes to my wardrobe because I simply loved wearing them.
A few years later I had the pleasure of traveling to India on a mediation retreat. One day the meditation teachers decided to break up the group. The men would go play frisbee or some other fun game outdoors and the women would go shopping. I really would have preferred to go play and still, I surrendered and conformed to the day’s plan.
The women visited several shops and eventually, we found ourselves sitting in a sari shop. The shopkeeper began presenting us with sari after sari. I wasn’t very interested and watched as others oohed and aahed over the beautiful fabric and designs. After several rounds of saris, the meditation teacher held up a sari and offered to purchase it for me. I politely declined as I wasn’t attracted to it and I didn’t want or need it. I was grateful she accepted my decline of her gift.
A bit later the shopkeeper laid down this beautiful burgundy sari with a forest design. I practically jumped out of my seat and everything inside me said YES! I was so surprised by my reaction, and I knew at that moment this sari was meant for me. I was a bit nervous as it was more expensive than the sari offered to me earlier. My meditation teacher noticed my reaction and asked if she could buy this sari for me. Once again, I declined and shared with her that I needed to purchase this one for myself. Today over twenty years later this sari blesses my home daily, part of it hanging in my office studio and the other part in my bedroom.
Upon arriving in India I had a similar experience clothes shopping. While we were in India, we were encouraged to wear everyday Indian punjabi or salwar outfits. Our first clothing store was filled with very beautiful and expensive punjabis and saris, all beautifully tailored. I tried a few on and I wasn’t inspired to purchase any. Most of my fellow travelers had picked up an outfit. I walked away self-consciously questioning if I had made a good choice. We later went to another store with a wide selection of beautifully colored basic cotton Punjabi outfits simply tailored. I felt like I had gone to heaven and walked away with several outfits in my arms and a grin from ear to ear. Over the next weeks, I wore these outfits with such joy and comfort; I had made some good choices.
Money often plays a factor in our purchasing choices. Sometimes the right thing to buy is the most expensive item. While at other times the right choice the most cost effective. How do you know when to make that choice? Is it simply based on your budget? I feel like here there is more to this as well and am reminded of a grocery run with a friend.
As I was pulling a jar of peanut butter down from a shelf, my friend asked me why are you buying that peanut butter? I didn’t have a good answer. He brought to my attention that the brand I had been buying was twice as expensive as many of the other selections. I hadn’t even noticed. I truly wasn’t paying attention to what I was purchasing. I was simply just picking an item off the shelf. From that point on I began to pay a bit more attention to my choices while grocery shopping. How can you find what is yours, what is best for you, without being present? Presence seems to be a key to finding what is yours.
Presence also plays a really important element in the context of gifting others. The best gifts I’ve received are often items that give me a sense that the person who gifted it to me was carefully paying attention to what might bring me joy or inspire me or what I might need that I haven’t gifted myself with. When I get a gift that feels so right, I get a sense that this person has been paying attention, that they care and were generous with their time and resources. In many ways, it feels like a blessing.
Finding the right gift or shoes to go with that dress can take time. What I imagined as a simple purchase turns into a quest. Sometimes I abort the journey out of convenience, feeling rushed, searching without any focus, or out of fear that I will never find what I am looking for in the budget I have. Sometimes I second guess a gift or an item I’ve found and begin to overthink if it’s the right one and convince myself to make a different purchase. Almost every time I choose from there, I am not content in the long run with my choice. Here is where I long for more patience, trust, and practice through the quest.
As I started writing this piece I didn’t know where these memories would take me. What inspired me to sit down and reflect is my longing to figure out how to help my daughters navigate all the external influences calling them to consume products. I want them to also find and create joy through the art of gifting and what they choose to have in their lives. I am grateful for the journey these memories have taken me on, and I hope to pass forward a bit of what I learned here, reflecting on my own experiences, onto them.
I know they will navigate their own journey learning these lessons and they will find their way. In the meantime, I can also support them the best practicing what I’ve learned over these years and teaching them to be present, patient and to trust the process and themselves. As one of my meditation teachers said to me years ago when I was struggling to figure out what to do about a situation “you will know when you know.”