Being our awkward selves is often what the world needs

Community, Directions, Journeying
pier, rain, person-5086290.jpg

At times it has been awkward being myself. I haven’t fit in. I have been misunderstood. I didn’t understand. I have had a different view or experience than others. I didn’t meet someone’s expectations or didn’t read the memo about the dress code. Most of us have had those awkward moments simply being ourselves. 

What I have learned is that being awkward isn’t just about me. When I’m feeling awkward those around me are often feeling awkward too. It arises between us and if we are willing to navigate the awkwardness, the outcomes are rewarding and often mutually beneficial.

Being a non-drinker has made for plenty of awkward moments as friends gather. New friends would invite me to a gathering, and it wouldn’t occur to me to tell them beforehand that I don’t drink. There often would be this moment of almost horror on their faces as I replied to their question about what I wanted to drink with water or lemonade. Yes, their expectation of where the evening was headed, suddenly took a turn.    

Sometimes people simply don’t know what to do with us and we of them. We don’t fit their mold or expectations. Suddenly we are navigating into uncharted waters and feeling a bit uncomfortable heading into the unknown. I’ve been there myself; we have all been there.

I remember meeting a Muslim couple from Malaysia at a conference. After several days of some great conversations, as they were leaving, they showered me with gifts. I didn’t know how to respond or reciprocate; I had no gifts for them. It was awkward and a bit uncomfortable. I wanted to ask them how to navigate this and didn’t want to offend them; I didn’t say anything. Although I did accept their gifts, I missed an opportunity to get beyond how awkward I felt. After we each returned home, our connection and friendship didn’t grow. I let that awkwardness keep me from reaching out.

I admire people willing to be a bit awkward and to navigate through the awkwardness that surfaces, the people who confidently lean in, care, and allow awkwardness to guide them towards something new. They pay attention, step in, ask questions, explore, and forge a path ahead. When they navigate these awkward moments, they invite trust, connection, opportunities, change, and even joy.

When one person in the meeting addresses the white elephant in the room and asks the question everyone is wondering, although it might be awkward, everyone wins. Think about how grateful you’ve been when someone has told you the zipper on your pants was down. Awkward yes and thank goodness they spoke up. I value these people.  a

Others treat this awkwardness as a red flag; they might back away or attack. They avoid that person who told them their zipper was down the rest of the night or the person who asked the hard question. They blame the host for not communicating the dress code for the event via a text versus an email. They skip the team dinner. They don’t mention you have chocolate all over your cheek. They close down mid-journey as the situation becomes a bit awkward much like I did with the Muslim couple I met at the conference. 

Often I wonder if I had shared how uncomfortable I was receiving such gifts, with nothing to reciprocate with, what would have happened. Maybe we would have had a great conversation about the tradition of gift-giving in their culture or family. Maybe I would have returned home and sent them a gift, thanking them not only for the gift but for their willingness to share with me a bit of their lives. I lost the chance to wonder, learn, and develop a friendship. Embarrassment and a bit of discomfort got in my way.

The illusion that everything should move ahead smoothly or go a particular way can stop us from navigating those awkward moments. I have had a friend offended that I didn’t order a drink with her, and she somehow translated my lack of drinking as a judgment of hers. I would have been happy to have been her designated driver. When there is a detour in the road, most of the time taking it, being open to the path ahead, and letting go of what you expected to arise is worth it. The awkward moments provide us with detours; we choose how to navigate them. 

When we want to learn or develop a skill, awkwardness often arises. I remember sitting in a drafting class and having to ask out loud in front of the whole class how to sharpen my mechanical pencil. I had absolutely no idea, I was a bit embarrassed. I knew that if I wanted to learn this skill, I had to be a bit awkward and ask. There was no figuring this out on my own or faking this. Imagine if we met awkward social moments simply as a sign that learning is ahead of us.

Although I haven’t at times taken the detour offered by awkwardness well, I have found that the unknown destination ahead when I do outweighs the discomfort that arises from being awkward. Lean in when you feel awkward, welcome it when you notice others feeling awkward and you might be surprised what gifts arise. As I close, I am reminded of the Russian fairytale, The Fool of the World and The Flying Ship. Sometimes what the world needs of all of us is to be our awkward selves.

The Art of Small Simple Shifts and the Power of Choice

Directions, Journeying
photo of trees during fall
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

In Nia we often remind our students that when they feel pain or a lack of joy or don’t feel in the groove as they dance to simply make a small shift with one movement. It is amazing how one small movement shift can completely change the dance. Never underestimate the power in the small simple shifts.   

Sometimes change chooses us and sometimes we choose change. I’ve noticed that the shift begins either through my awareness and a choice or suddenly life obliges me to change, the weather shifts, the music changes. When the need for change arises, I might find my groove again with only a small shift while at other times a complete change of direction is in order. And in both cases, each truly begins with a small shift, a small step, and a choice. 

Choosing to shift hasn’t been easy and I have often been blind that I needed a change long after signs were visible. The signs “it’s time to change” in life are much like those I’ve found on the dance floor – discomfort, pain, lack of joy, something feels off, recognizing my vision has been off, or simply feeling stuck and stagnant. Noticing the signs calling for a shift is where change begins. 

So why at times is it hard to change? I’ve been reflecting on how our relationship/perception of change is what makes change hard not the change itself. 

Truthfully we and the world around us are always changing. The seasons bring change. The sun rising and setting each day brings change. We change out the oxygen in our bodies with every breath. The human body’s cells regenerate on average every 7-10 years. We change in some way with every experience we learn from. And each of these changes starts with some small shift.  The autumn tree doesn’t suddenly lose all its leaves at once it simply begins with one.

I’ve been surprised how often in my life the need for a shift, a change, has appeared. Although I have heard often Heraclitus’ quote ‘The only constant in life is change”, I don’t feel like I was raised to find ordinary in change and how to navigate it, how to choose it, how to make small simple shifts when things weren’t working. 

Navigating life has not been linear. As I entered my first job out of college if you had shown me a preview of where I am today I would have been in disbelief and surprise. Along this journey, there have been so many twists and turns I could not have predicted.  Throughout I have had to change my mindset, my habits, perspectives, focus, environment, company, goals, rhythm, skills, and even direction. With each small and big change that came my way I found my way forward and I also notice there have been some consistent threads.  

I am reminded of Robert Fritz’s work on the Path of Least Resistance and the importance of choice. He outlines three types of choices fundamental, primary, and secondary. Fundamental choices are related to orientation, an organizing force from which we can then align our primary and secondary choices. Clarifying the fundamental choices that orient us is essential for us to find our way and find joy when we shift, even if we discover that the shift we choose wasn’t supporting our fundamental choice. Sometimes we do have to discover what doesn’t work to find what does. 

A dear friend and I spent a year exploring different time management and goal-setting systems. We would make these elaborate plans and schedules for the week. Implementing our schedules didn’t result in what we had planned. Life would happen and suddenly we had no wifi for days or access to the studio due to some environmental issue. We would begin to work on a project and learn something new that would change the outcome we had envisioned. The most significant thing we learned from these explorations was recognizing that we could not fully foresee the journey and the importance of shifting and adjusting along the way. 

The journey itself teaches us where to go and helps us recognize where we are headed. We can’t predict everything that will arise; our work is to be present and make the necessary shifts when needed. Regardless if we make conscious choices, our journey ahead will be filled with change. But if we decide and choose intentionally where we would like to go, we can sense how to shift and adjust to stay on track.

I think many of us relate to change as uncomfortable as we enter uncharted waters, feeling a bit out of control, at the mercy of what is coming ahead, and overwhelmed with the work ahead. In addition with change, we often have had to let go of something and sometimes we aren’t ready to do t,hat. I remember when my eldest daughter was 3 months old I found myself grieving that she was no longer 6 weeks old and didn’t simply fit in my arms the way she had. Sometimes we miss the warm summer sun as we head into winter.  This too is part of change.

Making a change does take effort and big changes often take time. When I decided to move to Arizona, it took me four months before I finally arrived. There were so many steps to make this shift in my life and although at times it felt overwhelming, I simply started down the path one step at a time. If you stay rooted in your foundational choices, you find the clarity and inspiration to move forward. So, start by noticing what is needed now and be willing to shift and take one step forward, one step at a time.  

You don’t need confidence to move forward.  I remember when I bought my first house. I was very clear I wanted to purchase the house, everything about it felt right. At the same time, I was a bit scared and questioning if I was going to be able to do this. Every day I simply followed the path with each small step forward. I submitted the forms I needed, made the calls, answered the questions and then I found myself sitting with my realtor in Denny’s signing the paperwork. Only at that moment did I truly feel confident that I was going to own this house.

Don’t be overwhelmed with making the perfect move or what the next step is after that one. The full path ahead of me is rarely obvious when I make a choice. You might even find yourself feeling stuck. Simply start as one of my students used to say by just choosing to move and shift something right now. Start close with something simple and aligned to embrace, and let it guide you. Make a phone call, register for a class, look at the home listings, make a list, ask a question, or even take a moment to consciously breathe.  There is power in shifting and moving.

When I reflect on times, I’ve lost my way and have needed to change my direction, I either took a wrong turn, learned something or had an experience that clarified where I wanted to go, or I lost focus on what was most important to me. I think these can also relate to why we often don’t embrace change. We need clarity and excitement to feel all the discomfort of changing, to face all the work, and to still make the choices and shifts to head towards what we desire. If I am choosing to be healthy and recognize that when I workout before my workday I am more balanced and available for my day, it feels exciting to change my schedule around to wake up early to get my workout in before work. The schedule shift feels supportive. Although tired at times as I wake at dawn, I simply remember what I am really choosing.

I hope you can find comfort in our need to change and be willing to make the small shift. Remember change is in our nature and fortunately we can navigate with our choices and dance through life. Find ease, power and joy in your dance and embrace the need for a small simple shift when it arises. 

The Gift of Strangers

Directions, Strangers
shoes, red, flamenco-4126763.jpg

To my surprise, complete strangers have had a powerful impact on the direction of my life. I often remember one of those times in my mid-twenties standing in line at a local grocery store.

I stopped into a grocery store across town to quickly pick up a few things. Standing in line holding what I came for, an elder woman got in line behind me. She stood there for a moment, and she suddenly began to speak. I still remember exactly where she started our conversation. “These are my dancing shoes” she started.  She pointed to her shoes and proceeded to tell me how she and her husband went out dancing a couple of days a week and how much joy it brought to her and her relationship. She loved dancing with him. I loved listening to her.

Soon enough I was at the front of the checkout and the cashier and I were finishing our exchange. I turned to the elder woman behind me in line to say goodbye and wish her well. As I turned to walk away, she said to me, “If you don’t love him, don’t marry him”. Her comment landed and I froze for a moment. It had been less than a year since I had moved to this Colorado town. What had brought me here was a relationship. Oddly I had never mentioned my relationship to this stranger in line with me.

He and I met in the mid-west.  I had moved to there for a job with hopes that with my additional languages and global experience, they would move me overseas eventually. I had grown up overseas and had this vision that would be my life. While I waited for my opportunity, I decided to keep my language skills up and take a French class and that is where we met. I began working long hours and didn’t make it to class much and we lost touch.

We met again almost two years later at work this time. We began dating. Several months went by and I realized it was time for a change. After three years, it was obvious that my language skills were losing their edge and the company didn’t want/need me overseas. I was burnt out, disappointed, and decided I needed to find another path if I were to get overseas. We were going our separate ways.  I headed to Vermont for a Master’s program and he decided to transfer to Colorado.

On my way to Vermont, I made a U-turn. It dawned on me that I wanted relationships and people to be an important part of my life and I was walking away from that, so I headed to Colorado and we moved in with each other. 

Now here I was, almost a year later, standing in the grocery store taking in her comment. She was right. Although I loved this man, I didn’t quite in the way that I could imagine myself as a wife. Soon after he and I were heading our separate ways again.

I never regretted choosing that relationship over the possibility of a path overseas. It was exactly what I needed then; it just wasn’t what I needed forever. To this day I am grateful for that poignant and timely message from the sweet dancing stranger.

I am so grateful for all the strangers who have stepped into my life and stood out like signposts, pointing me along the way. Sometimes it was a question they asked, a story they told, or a comment they made. At other times it was simply who they were, how they stood in the room, a gesture they made, or their careful attention placed on something. Thanks for being there and the gifts you brought me.

Maybe someday, when I am older, I will be in the grocery store with my dancing shoes on and simply say the right thing at the right time to the young woman in front of me to support her along her journey.