At times it has been awkward being myself. I haven’t fit in. I have been misunderstood. I didn’t understand. I have had a different view or experience than others. I didn’t meet someone’s expectations or didn’t read the memo about the dress code. Most of us have had those awkward moments simply being ourselves.
What I have learned is that being awkward isn’t just about me. When I’m feeling awkward those around me are often feeling awkward too. It arises between us and if we are willing to navigate the awkwardness, the outcomes are rewarding and often mutually beneficial.
Being a non-drinker has made for plenty of awkward moments as friends gather. New friends would invite me to a gathering, and it wouldn’t occur to me to tell them beforehand that I don’t drink. There often would be this moment of almost horror on their faces as I replied to their question about what I wanted to drink with water or lemonade. Yes, their expectation of where the evening was headed, suddenly took a turn.
Sometimes people simply don’t know what to do with us and we of them. We don’t fit their mold or expectations. Suddenly we are navigating into uncharted waters and feeling a bit uncomfortable heading into the unknown. I’ve been there myself; we have all been there.
I remember meeting a Muslim couple from Malaysia at a conference. After several days of some great conversations, as they were leaving, they showered me with gifts. I didn’t know how to respond or reciprocate; I had no gifts for them. It was awkward and a bit uncomfortable. I wanted to ask them how to navigate this and didn’t want to offend them; I didn’t say anything. Although I did accept their gifts, I missed an opportunity to get beyond how awkward I felt. After we each returned home, our connection and friendship didn’t grow. I let that awkwardness keep me from reaching out.
I admire people willing to be a bit awkward and to navigate through the awkwardness that surfaces, the people who confidently lean in, care, and allow awkwardness to guide them towards something new. They pay attention, step in, ask questions, explore, and forge a path ahead. When they navigate these awkward moments, they invite trust, connection, opportunities, change, and even joy.
When one person in the meeting addresses the white elephant in the room and asks the question everyone is wondering, although it might be awkward, everyone wins. Think about how grateful you’ve been when someone has told you the zipper on your pants was down. Awkward yes and thank goodness they spoke up. I value these people. a
Others treat this awkwardness as a red flag; they might back away or attack. They avoid that person who told them their zipper was down the rest of the night or the person who asked the hard question. They blame the host for not communicating the dress code for the event via a text versus an email. They skip the team dinner. They don’t mention you have chocolate all over your cheek. They close down mid-journey as the situation becomes a bit awkward much like I did with the Muslim couple I met at the conference.
Often I wonder if I had shared how uncomfortable I was receiving such gifts, with nothing to reciprocate with, what would have happened. Maybe we would have had a great conversation about the tradition of gift-giving in their culture or family. Maybe I would have returned home and sent them a gift, thanking them not only for the gift but for their willingness to share with me a bit of their lives. I lost the chance to wonder, learn, and develop a friendship. Embarrassment and a bit of discomfort got in my way.
The illusion that everything should move ahead smoothly or go a particular way can stop us from navigating those awkward moments. I have had a friend offended that I didn’t order a drink with her, and she somehow translated my lack of drinking as a judgment of hers. I would have been happy to have been her designated driver. When there is a detour in the road, most of the time taking it, being open to the path ahead, and letting go of what you expected to arise is worth it. The awkward moments provide us with detours; we choose how to navigate them.
When we want to learn or develop a skill, awkwardness often arises. I remember sitting in a drafting class and having to ask out loud in front of the whole class how to sharpen my mechanical pencil. I had absolutely no idea, I was a bit embarrassed. I knew that if I wanted to learn this skill, I had to be a bit awkward and ask. There was no figuring this out on my own or faking this. Imagine if we met awkward social moments simply as a sign that learning is ahead of us.
Although I haven’t at times taken the detour offered by awkwardness well, I have found that the unknown destination ahead when I do outweighs the discomfort that arises from being awkward. Lean in when you feel awkward, welcome it when you notice others feeling awkward and you might be surprised what gifts arise. As I close, I am reminded of the Russian fairytale, The Fool of the World and The Flying Ship. Sometimes what the world needs of all of us is to be our awkward selves.